Shitty Plot Hooks

 2015-07-15: now with over double the hooks (for triple the excitement) …

10,The party must confront the threat of [t] 4,An ancient lich seeks new thrills by [al] 4,A perfectly serviceable [Weapon.NoDescription] is found by the roadside. It’s no masterwork, nor anything magic … just … serviceable 3,A bird poops right [bp]. Ha ha 3,A gentlemanly cleric sends the party on a suicide quest to retrieve a rare plant, with which he intends to make the world’s [rp] 3,Master thieves break into [mt] 2,[main] … And what’s more, [main] 1,A carrot is near the road. If disturbed, a ranger yells at the party for disturbing his rabbit bait 1,A rabbit [→] fox bait 1,A fox [→] wolf bait 1,A wolf [→] bear bait 1,A bear [→] owlbear bait 1,An owlbear [→] ogre bait 1,An ogre [→] dragon bait 1,A dragon [→] tarasque bait 1,A bandit calls for the party to stand and deliver. He’s not robbing them; he just really wants his package 1,A bard, going the other way on horseback, passes you, muttering lyrics to some song you’ve never heard 1,A bard. Not a magic one – just a regular bard. Like, y’know, a minstrel, or some shit. He’s OK, I guess 1,A branch or sign suddenly breaks its base or chain or string and swings directly into the most wizard-like character’s face 1,A cat runs out of nowhere, bats at your foot frantically, then runs back into its hiding place 1,A circus is in town … a shitty circus. Like a mobile Chuck E. Cheese’s during a power outage 1,A clinically-insane duke hires the party to kill invisible bugbears, that turn out to be invisible hobgoblins with bad haircuts 1,On a pile of straw near the road, a couple are having sex … loudly. A crowd has started to gather 1,A cultist is eating his lunch on the roadside. If asked, he’ll share a bagel with one person 1,A demented (and harmless) old man causes a scene by accusing a random female character of being his adulterous wife. He then tries to pick a fight with the burliest male character, believing he has seduced the old man’s wife 1,A desert warlord sends the party to a blue dragon’s lair to retrieve the keys to his camel 1,A dungeon is nearby. If investigated, it turns out … it’s still being excavated, and won’t be ready for several more years 1,A dwarf is passed out by the roadside in a puddle of someone else’s drool. A half-empty bottle of elven wine is nearby 1,A face-scalded madman goes on a serial axe-gnawing spree 1,A fairy offers the party a wish … if they can answer her riddles three. If they agree, she flies away, laughing, “I can’t believe anyone fell for that”. If they don’t, she huffs, “Hey, it’s not like they were that hard, ya pansies” and flies away 1,A fake wizard claims to be a real one. When questioned, he flings glitter in the party’s collective face, yells “Glitterrust!” and attempts to flee … but trips over his robes and knocks himself out 1,A fiend hunter paladin vows to kill all tieflings; later discovers he is a tiefling 1,A fire-breathing, hammer-throwing tarrasque kidnaps a princess; a local sewer worker heroically pursues 1,A fledgling lich captures our hearts with a story of ambition, hot blackguards, and flying zombie sharks 1,A friendly dog comes by and starts begging for treats from the most cleric-like party member 1,A gentlemanly British marksman hunts the party for sport, using only sheer grit, determination, and a steam-powered railgun 1,A gibbering mouther aspires to become a famous scat singer 1,A gnome enforces a guarantee 1,A gnome, a halfling and a dwarf are having a ‘who’s the shortest’ contest. It’s fairly easy to resolve, and they do so shortly after the party arrives 1,A group of bandits charge, but peter out before combat engages because the party looks too tough to take on 1,A group of dead drunk bandits or pirates are singing bawdily together off to one side 1,A group of guards catch and hang a thief who just stole from a few stands and ripped off some girl’s necklace 1,A group of guards order a group of prostitutes to “move along, then.” 1,A group of junior mages are using a cantrip-leveled version of “gust of wind” to blow up womens’ skirts 1,A guard stops and questions you, because you sort-of match the description of a wanted criminal 1,A half-ogre lint merchant and a half-drow nobleman’s hot jailbait daughter harbour forbidden love 1,A halfing monk just starts punching people in the crotch, all the freaking time 1,A handful of giggling teenagers badger you for some adventuring stories 1,A high priest is secretly a complex musical animatronic 1,A lady hobo is telling shitty fortunes for 3 sp a pop. She’s got no takers so far 1,A large, upscale inn is terrorized by a wildly dancing yet stoic man 1,A local baker seeking perfect ingredients for the ultimate cake, secretly constructs a powerful Cake Golem 1,A local child has taken to pestering the smartest member of the party, following him around and constantly asking “why?” in the most obnoxious nasal whine possible 1,A local inn offers the party a dinner half off, on account of them looking hungry 1,A local noble is badly disguised as a commoner, but no one cares since he’s got money and is a fairly decent person. Acts snobbish if the party attempts to talk with him 1,A local noble is in town collecting his due taxes 1,A local pubkeep offers the party a round of drinks for half off, on account of them looking thirsty 1,A lovely gazebo is seen by the roadside. It looks like a nice place for a picnic 1,A lumberjack is eating his lunch on the roadside. If asked, he’ll share with one person 1,A magical device malfunctions, blowing out a shop’s windows 1,A maimed beggar on the street asks for alms. Someone recognizes him as the famous adventurer/war hero, who was his/her idol when s/he was a child 1,A man chases a woman through a cornfield. Distant saxophone music is heard before both are eaten by a troll, which chokes to death on them 1,A man in a bad set of robes is handing out dead rats from the local evil temple. Introduces himself as Brother BabyStabber 1,A man in a decent set of robes is handing out blank pieces of paper from the local neutral temple. Introduces himself with a shrug and a sigh 1,A man in a nice set of robes is handing out pamphlets for the local good parish. Introduces himself as Brother Gideon 1,A man in an alley is yelling to the sky, “I can’t  that with that.” “I’ll have to   over there to do that.” “If only I could   at that object,” etc. No one pays him any regard 1,A man is juggling torches nearby. Nothing goes amiss 1,A man is selling hats. He’ll trade for skins, if anyone in the party has any 1,A man is selling wiener dogs from a cart that’s barking. Not to eat. He’s just selling the dogs. They make good mousers, he claims 1,A man sells sausages from a crappy cart. The sausages are good, but you start to regret eating too many. Like ‘you-ate-a-whole-tin-of-ice-cream’ regret 1,A man sells sausages from a decent cart. The sausages are OK 1,A man sells sausages with bread rolls from a good cart. The bread is bland, and the sausage spice forgettable, but it’s filling 1,A map is discovered on back of a portrait of a hideous man. Turns out the portrait is a map of Hideousmanface Mountain; the map is a portrait of its guardian Map Golem 1,A member of the thieves’ guild has broken into the party’s HQ and refuses to leave 1,A miner eats his lunch by the roadside. If asked, he’ll share a beer with one person 1,A minstrel plays nearby. He’s OK, but would be a lot better if he put some practice in 1,A miraculous self-replenishing canned food ration, “Salient Blue”, challenges ethics when discovered to be made of trolls 1,A noble wedding is interrupted by aggressive eel salesmen 1,A notorious mummy sorcerer defeats his paladin nemesis by dousing himself in lamp oil, igniting, and tackling him into a black hole. Everyone else in the universe, realizing that this is the most awesome thing that will ever happen, falls into deep depression 1,A one-armed man curses the party for the good they missed doing 1,A one-legged man thanks the party for the good they’ve been doing 1,A paladin achieves ultimate power by replacing the stick up his butt with an immovable rod 1,A parchment flies through the street and the wind flaps it on your face. It is a saucy love letter to “My burly bear” from “Your naughty little minx” 1,A pie-eating contest is in progress. It looks like it’s down to the blacksmith’s son or the cowherd’s daughter 1,A powerful barbarian, whose mustache has grown to look like clock hands, believes himself to be the one true clock, and endeavors to smash every other timepiece in the world in order to become the Highlander 1,A powerful cleric, whose continuous stigmata-like supernatural wounds have convinced him he’s the second coming of a god, incites a holy crusade; turns out, he’s just clumsy 1,A powerful sorcerer born with a single large fang, believing himself to be the reincarnation of a legendary demon king, begins a war to end the earth; turns out, the rest of his teeth are just kind of small 1,A ragged pauper, declaiming atop a wooden box, describes a vision: the god of milk fairies wants us to stop eating cheese. Instead, we should burn the cheese ceremonially at midnight to get magic powers. Locals ignore him 1,A rain of frogs plagues the town. A man discovers the frogs to be a competent dance troupe. The man conquers the national performance circuit 1,A reformed Illithid, working as a hairstylist, falls under suspicion 1,A rogue ties bundles of Rods of Wonder together to create Wonder Shotguns 1,A schizophrenic beggar begins speaking in tongues or gets into an argument with himself 1,A scruffy-looking man claiming to be a deposed king promises to reward the party if they can return to him his seal, which some hobos hiding under the town bridge have stolen. In reality, he just wants to sleep under the bridge after the party clears out the other hobos 1,A short shower of copper bits fall from the sky. Like ~10 of them 1,A simpleton relaxing in the shade challenges you to a milk-drinking contest 1,A sinister cult believes the key to peace and happiness is painting everything blue 1,A sleeping dragon (because Snorlax™ is copyrighted) blocks your path 1,A small girl is crying in the road. She looks lost. If asked, her father told her to wait here for him while he went into the pub “for a minute”. That was six hours ago 1,A store clerk hands you back too much change. If you try to give it back, he winks at you and turns to another customer 1,A trio of skeletons discover their bones are pitch-perfect xylophones, start a traveling percussion band, overcome prejudice, learn valuable life lessons … and then get laid 1,A troop of guardsmen are patrolling the road. They ask you to clear the way and move on 1,A tune is heard in the distance. Nothing in particular, just kind of … a musical edge to the area. Like a light mist 1,A vengeful wife slaps the shit out of her husband right next to the party 1,A village is being savaged by the most passive-aggressive wizard ever 1,A virgin succubus, cursed to never get laid, desperately seeks assistance, slowly goes totally crazy 1,A woman asks you to take this soup to her brother, who works at the store across town. The orange things floating in the soup almost look like carrots 1,A woman empties a chamber pot from a second-story window; some of it splashes on you 1,A young child is crying for his mom … who is maybe 40 feet away, waiting for him to shut up and actually notice her 1,A young prostitute is getting slapped around by her pimp in an alleyway 1,Advancements in magically-powered musical instruments culminate in a crew of grunge-rock pirate bards clashing with a clan of heavy-metal viking bards; the town is threatened by collateral damage from killer solos. Crafty punk-rock gypsies, armed with enchanted accordions, seek to capitalize on the ensuing mayhem; all are united in effort to stick it to the uptight paladins trying to bring them down. The powerful vibes attract glam-rock demons and dirty hippies 1,Ambitious rebel fighters attempt to crash the moon into a king 1,An adventure party passes by, whining about a lack of … something called “Cheetos”, and some sort of “Dew” from a “Mountain”. Weirdos 1,An adventure party passes by, with a drow – sneaky fellow, wearing two scimitars – whining about wanting more “Ex-Pee” because of “Role-playing”. Weirdo 1,An adventure party passes by, with each member spouting off silly “Ni” noises or something about bushes. Weirdos 1,An adventuring party slew a dragon here a few weeks ago. There’s nothing valuable left here 1,An annoying youngster starts pestering a magician (or someone looking like one!) to teach him magic; he wants to “kill monsters, loot dungeons and get all the girls!” 1,An armless, legless knight has bled out near a creek. His corpse has been here for awhile. His armor seems to be made of paper 1,An armored woman offers to bed any man who can beat her at arm wrestling. She has 23 Strength and isn’t especially pretty, but if you’re into that … it’s there 1,An attractive bar wench starts flirting with the strongest-looking male party member. If asked, she’ll gladly “spend time” with him. Nothing else worth noting here 1,An attractive young blacksmith starts flirting with the strongest-looking female party member. If asked, he’ll gladly “spend time” with her. Nothing else worth noting here 1,An earth elemental and a gelatinous cube harbour forbidden love 1,An eccentric dictator outlaws all weaponry; decrees international issues will henceforth be resolved by giving each other high-fives. All world problems are solved 1,An effeminate prince mistaken for a princess, and the dragon who has kidnapped him, harbour forbidden love 1,An elderly grave digger has a chance meeting with the Grim Reaper; a heated weapon debate escalates to a destructive duel 1,An evil tyrant outlaws eyebrows 1,An impregnable floating fortress is besieged by orcs in hang gliders 1,An inaccurate historical re-enactment faces the derision of a necromancer history buff: “Worst. Reenactment. Ever.” 1,An old woman approaches the party and tearfully embraces a random character. “Oh [Orc Names.main], I knew you weren’t dead!” She has mistaken the character for her son, who disappeared in a war over a decade ago 1,An ugly old man offers the party some of his lunch stew. It’s not bad, but could use some savory herbs and/or maybe Sriracha though 1,An undead army ravages the countryside … with well-choreographed dance numbers 1,An unfriendly dog attempts to pee on the most wizard-like party member 1,An ancient lich seeks new thrills by becoming a ramp-jumping daredevil; he succeeds in jumping a bulette over 27 ill-tempered kythons 1,As the group is stopped, a particularly gaunt half-elf starts measuring one of the party’s arms and legs with a marked string. If permitted, he takes measurements for the entire party. He is an undertaker 1,On the roadside, a hung-over drow lies beside three empty bottles of dwarven ale, feebly waving his hands and muttering, “t-turn off the sun.” Shortly after, Dancing Lights twirl around his location as he groans in pain 1,A sentient animated door develops a delusion of being a world-class gourmet, and tirelessly hunts for keys to sample and critique 1,Barbarian hordes burn the capital city 1,Barbarian hordes burn the ocean 1,Barbarian hordes burn the sun 1,Bees get organized 1,Bored Buddha launches aerial raids 1,Bored Eris throws a killer rave on Mount Olympus 1,Bored Thor throws a killer pool party in Valhalla 1,Captain Hampton attempts to use violence to stop the Halfling Pirates of Willygoat, who, though they be wee men, have big swords 1,Desert-dwelling cactus dryads pine for romance with travelers, endlessly complain about how their spiny bodies prevent intimacy, and (in an ironic twist) get kidnapped by group of masochistic yuan-ti 1,Disgruntled rebel fighters attempt to crash an airship into a king 1,Dungeons give chase 1,During a daily tour, a prestigious magic academy is looted by goblins disguised as ugly children 1,Dwarves are threatened by serial barber 1,Everyone’s vocal cords have been magically replaced by bike horns. You must solve the mystery and return everyone to normal, but you and your party are also affected by the bike horn curse. Honk your way to victory 1,Fire, Water, Wind and Earth Elementals use a life-draining magic ring in an attempt to create a Heart Elemental and complete an ancient summoning ritual 1,For laughs, a sorcerer trains ethereal filchers to interrupt people during sex 1,Foreigners approach the characters with a book or map, seeking help in deciphering it. They’re not fluent in the local language 1,Kobolds blow it all up 1,Mass pandemonium ensues when traveling troll barbarians pitch their tent in a slightly inconvenient spot 1,Meteors get their act together 1,Obnoxious scouts run around hitting people with bats 1,On the street corner, a group of teenage girls perform a strenuous dance routine while a scarred halfling limps around, taking donations 1,One of the party spots a mild annoyance. S/He flips them the bird before wandering off 1,One of the party spots an old acquaintance. S/He offers to get lunch with them 1,Passive aggressive druids extoll virtures of peace, love, substance abuse 1,Philosophical rebel fighters attempt to crash a king into himself 1,Philosophical zombies ponder the meaning of love, pester passersby 1,Seven men in hooded robes are chanting loudly in a circle before stopping to remove their hoods. One tells another: “Good practice, guys. Same time next week?” 1,Seven men in hooded robes are fumbling around. Overheard is, “Hey John, I think I’ve got your robes,” … “Dammit Sev, your wife swapped our hoods again,” and “Who’s got my sash? It was the scarlet one.” 1,Sinister dust storms herald hobo revolution 1,Society is plagued by freakish crossbreeds 1,Spunky teenagers, who must travel through time to stop a cosmic porcupine-looking thing from annihilating the planet, become their own grandparents 1,Suddenly … ninjas! They don’t attack, evidently having better things to do … but still 1,The characters see an innkeeper refuse to serve a person of different ethnicity/species/something, followed by obviously racist slurs 1,The characters witness a public execution for a relatively minor crime. The crowd cheers as the executioner struts his stuff like a rock star on stage, before getting down to business 1,The cleric finds a bag of honeyed nuts among her belongings 1,The empire is besieged by macho, sideburned elves; kingdoms fall one after another, as no one believes they exist 1,The fighter finds among their belongings a flask of good booze they’d forgotten about 1,The group is attacked by an urban environment, and allies with friendly snakes to fight back 1,The group is attacked by snakes in a wilderness environment 1,The group is attacked by snakes in an urban environment 1,The local thieves’ guild has burst into the party’s HQ, moved every object in it one foot to the right, and then left 1,The nation becomes infested by sandworms who are attracted to things with no rhythm; the entire continent becomes a perpetual dance number 1,The party endlessly pursues a dastardly villain who wields a bronzed hammerhead shark and bleeds shotgun shells 1,The party helps a marauding demon warrior realize his childhood dream of becoming a ballerina 1,The party is endlessly pursued by screaming fans, to a catchy ’60s rock accompaniment 1,The party is stalked by an assassin rumored to dual-wield katars … in actuality, dual-wields keytars 1,The party’s fanciest-dressed member steps in poop. (Roll 1d6 to determine kind: 1 – Dog; 3 – Pig; 5 – Horse; 2, 4 or 6 – Cow) 1,The thief finds a sock puppet nestled among their belongings. It appears to be made from one of the wizard’s socks 1,The town drunk pukes on the fanciest-dressed character and passes out 1,The town drunk wraps an arm around a party member before apologizing to one for puking on them. Says, “ih‘appenz ta da besht a uz,” before puking on the fanciest-dressed character and passing out 1,The town drunk wraps an arm around a party member claiming, “You’sh gais’re Al’righ’” before puking on the fanciest-dressed character and passing out 1,The wizard discovers a sign pinned to the back of his robes, reading “Ass-zard”. It’s unclear how long it’s been there or who placed it there 1,The wizard steps in shit. Roll 1d4 to see what sort. (1–3: Cow, 4: Bulette) 1,The world’s highest dragon lands, eats three NaN undefineds … tries to fly, crashes … then just sleeps where he fell 1,The world’s worst bandit attempts to waylay the party with a sharpened stick and a dented pot lid. If confronted, he faints in shock 1,The world’s worst pickpocket attempts to steal from the character who’d most easily notice and deal with them. He ends up mostly just groping them, then running off 1,There’s a huge pothole in the road. Like huge, for a pothole: it’s not a pit or anything. DC 3 Acrobatics check to not stumble on it. Failure means you take 1d2-1 nonlethal teasing damage and fall flat on your clumsy face 1,Thieves break into houses, and redecorate poorly 1,Thieves break into houses, and steal nothing, but refuse to leave 1,Tornados plan an uprising 1,Twin beholders come to town and make everyone feel self-conscious 1,Two bards are killing a particular song. The crowd around them is pretty into it 1,Two bards are utterly failing to sing a song in tune 1,Two heavily armed fighters are going at it hammer and tongs in the middle of the road. Every attack is a miss on both sides 1,Two local children are re-enacting a bard-tale about one of the fighter’s exploits. They’re arguing over who gets to play the fighter and who has to be the bad guy, complete with, “You were him last time!” “Nuh-Uh!” “Yeah-huh!” 1,Two old men by the roadside are playing a game, talking mostly in murmurs, grunts, and chortles 1,Two old women are gossiping nearby, knitting scarves longer than they are tall, that’re growing by the inch as you watch 1,Two teenagers are walking down the street, holding hands and blushing whenever one catches the other’s eye 1,Two young teenagers are arguing about whether a dragon could beat three owlbears, if the owlbears had armor and magic wands and the dragon had a sword 1,Volcanoes plot revenge 1,What looks like a sword is stabbed into a stone. Turns out, it’s just a hilt. Made of tin 1,You come across a group of telepathy-using entrepreneurs who want to start a telecommunications company using the Necrotelecomicon and the heads of dead illithid 1,You see a “Wanted” poster with your face on it. The name listed, however, is [Orc Names.main]; and the crime is desecration of a holy site 1,Your mama sends you a nice warm hat with earflaps
 * main

1,is caught in a trap. If disturbed, a ranger yells at the party for disturbing his

1,challenging the party to a race around the world 1,competing in a biathlon, but is disqualified for using a machine gun 1,competing in a mixed martial arts tournament 1,recruiting for a rock band, which goes on to record the hit single “Hopeless Necromantic”
 * al

1,down the back of the most wizard-like character’s clothes 1,in the eye of the most cleric-like character 1,into the mouth of the most thief-like character
 * bp

1,a castle and steal the crown jewels 1,a museum and steal a priceless portrait 1,show business and steal our hearts
 * mt

1,clockworks 1,love 1,steam
 * pb

1,gnarliest blunt 1,strongest medicine 1,tastiest tea; but goes berserk after one party member adds milk
 * rp

3,mechanical war machines powered by [pb] 1,communists 1,distinguished, articulate orcs from the Victorian era 1,goblins with artillery 1,goblins with guns 1,hobgoblins with artillery that launches goblins – who have guns 1,orcs 1,shooty, choppy orcs from the distant future
 * t

Sources: 100 Shitty Plot Hooks, Traditional Games