Laws

This page is an "Abulafia-ism" of the random Law Generator at Slack n Hash.

''What role-playing game would be complete without arbitrary and Draconian changes to the legal system? What could be more fun than seeing the players squeal like stuck pigs when their weapons and spellbooks have just been declared illegal gatherings of atoms and that they have to get out of Dodge before the balloon goes up?''

Hear ye, hear ye!
[decree]

1,All citizens are advised that [crime] is now [rule]. Failure to obey shall be punished by [penalty]. This edict is effective immediately, by order of [proclaimer]. 1,Be it known that [proclaimer] has hereby decreed that the practice of [crime] is [rule]. Transgression of this most sacred and godly rule is punishable by [penalty]. 1,Regulation [Dice.digit][Dice.digit][Dice.digit][Dice.digit][Dice.digit]: [crime] is [rule]. Penalty for non-compliance (subject to [proclaimer]'s discretion): [penalty]. 1,Take heed, parishioners! [proclaimer] wishes it be known that [crime] has been declared [rule]! Adhere clearly to these words on pain of [penalty].
 * decree

1,whistling on a Tuesday 1,murder 1,theft 1,homosexuality 1,public urination 1,clearing the throat in a provocative manner 1,harboring criminals 1,slavery 1,spitting 1,uttering profanities near consecrated ground 1,wearing [Color.all] 1,prostitution 1,gambling 1,transvestitetisim 1,eating 1,breathing 1,eating or breathing without a license 1,extortion 1,blackmail 1,drunkenness 1,public protest 1,vandalism 1,possessing political pamphlets 1,selling intoxicants without a license 1,selling illegal narcotics 1,eating with the left hand 1,not eating vegetables 1,growing hemp 1,growing a beard 1,owning a [Animal.fantasyLandAnimal] without a permit 1,wearing hats 1,feeding the sacred [Animal.fantasyLandAnimal] 1,possession of blades longer than three inches 1,having more than two nipples 1,going to the toilet more than once a day 1,singing anti-royalist songs 1,publicly criticising any assinine new laws 1,unprotected sex 1,abortion 1,cannibalisim 1,eating children 1,rhinoplasty 1,loitering 1,miming 1,street theater 1,bathing in the public fountain 1,yiffing 1,bail-jumping 1,racketeering 1,public dancing 1,perjury 1,abduction 1,interfering with state property 1,playing a stringed instrument 1,breach of sumptuary laws 1,impersonating an officer of the law 1,traffic violations 1,selling pornographic material 1,leaving a pan of boiling water unattended 1,treading on the cracks on the pavement 1,doping horses 1,rustling cattle 1,lewd and licentious conduct 1,causing an affray 1,assault 1,grievous bodily harm 1,actual bodily harm 1,arson 1,witchcraft 1,littering 1,embezzlement 1,espionage 1,sabotage 1,bare-knuckle boxing 1,fixing sporting events 1,petty fraud 1,breeding [Animal.fantasyLandAnimal]s without a permit 1,handling stolen goods
 * crime

5,forbidden 5,compulsory 1,optional
 * rule

7,the [Ranks and Titles.RankEnglishRoyalty] 7,the [Ranks and Titles.RankEnglishSpecialReligious] 1,the Governor 1,the King 1,the Queen 1,His Royal Highness 1,Her Royal Highness 1,His Majesty 1,Her Majesty 1,the Lord 1,the Duke 1,the Duchess 1,the Baron 1,the Baroness 1,the Vicar 1,the Parson
 * proclaimer

1,imprisonment 1,life imprisonment 1,beheading 1,beheading with a wood-saw 1,execution 1,imediate executionin a particularly gruesome manner 1,dismemberment 1,dismemberment with a wood-saw 1,disemboweling 1,disemboweling with a spoon 1,disemboweling and having your innards made into sausages 1,braining with a hammer 1,defenestration 1,public flogging 1,being drawn and quartered 1,being skinned alive 1,being skinned alive with a cheese grater 1,being flogged and having salt vigorously rubbed into your wounds 1,merciless beating with a stick 1,being shot out of the city by catapult 1,being brained with a club 1,being sent to the knackers and boiled into glue 1,being sent to the tanners and turned to leather 1,being sent to the butchers and turned into sausages 1,being cursed with particularly nasty kidney stones 1,being boiled in oil 1,being locked in a cage with a dozen hungry [Animal.fantasyLandAnimal] 1,gelding 1,being pierced by a dozen poisoned spears 1,no less than ten days in the royal torture chamber 1,indentured servitude for no less than ten years 1,immediate expulsion from the city 1,being polymorphed into a [Animal.fantasyLandAnimal] 1,lifetime service in the arena 1,having something beastly done to you by turkish bob 1,having something beastly done to you by a bear 1,having something beastly done to you by a mentally deranged young man 1,having your eyes dug out with a spoon 1,having your eyes dug out with a grapefruit spoon 1,having a cucumber shoved up where the sun don't shine 1,having a red hot poker shoved where the sun don't shine 1,having your hands chopped of 1,having your legs broken 1,having your legs sawn of with a wood saw 1,banishment 1,spending four hours in the ducking stool 1,being used for target practice by the royal guards' ten worst marksmen 1,being spanked until your arse is red raw 1,being forced to read the collected works of [ScottishMale.main] 1,being forced to live in a house with seven other criminals for a new reality show 1,eighteen hours' calisthenics 1,mucking out the sacred [Animal.fantasyLandAnimal] stable with a toothbrush 1,being prodded unmercifully with a sharp stick 1,being prodded unmercifully with a red hot poker 1,crucifixion 1,impailing 1,being slowly impailed 1,being slowly impailed anus first 1,castration 1,castration with instruments which are rusty and dull 1,spending three months in the city cesspit 1,having your face tattooed with marks of shame 1,having your face tattooed with marks of shame by a criminally inept tatooist 1,blinding with hot irons
 * penalty