Conspiracy theories

This is intended for modern-day conspiracies. All are completely fictional fnord.

Conspiracies!
[main]

1,[Illuminati], through their [Relationship] [Normalgroup], [Schemeverb] [Schememethod] [Schemegoal][Ending] 1,[Assertion] [Bogusevidence], [Therefore] [Illuminati] [Schemeverb] [Schememethod] [Schemegoal][Ending]
 * main

1,It is obvious that 1,The government has tried to cover up that 1,As we all know, 1,It is a well-known fact that 1,Despite the lies of the Mainstream Media, the fact is that 1,The fact is that 1,The horrible fact is that 1,Decoding the subliminal messages in popular music leads me to the inevitable conclusion that 2,Through hidden clues in [Cluesource], I have concluded that 2,Careful analysis of [Cluesource] makes it obvious that 2,Hours of studying [Cluesource] have convinced me that 1,Modern science has unearthed new evidence that 1,As I was told by a [Modern Profession.main] I used to know before she disappeared, 1,By lucky coincidence, I have discovered that
 * Assertion

1,the Bible 1,the Quran 1,the Necronomicon 1,the Book of the SubGenius 1,the Principia Discordia 1,the Urantia Book 1,the Dead Sea Scrolls 1,Dianetics 1,the Book of Mormon 1,the Tibetian Book of the Dead 1,the Egyptian Book of the Dead 1,the works of William Shakespeare 1,the works of Hunter S. Thompson 1,the works of Robert Anton Wilson 1,the Onion 1,the Sunday newspaper 1,Star Trek 1,Dungeons and Dragons 1,the chattering of insects in the night 1,pornographic Japanese cartoons 1,a sheaf of papers handed to me at midnight in a bus-stop by an anonymous informant 1,an ancient [Dossier.AncientLanguage] inscription 1,a long-lost [Dossier.AncientLanguage] manuscript 1,late-night infomercials 1,last night's fortune cookie 1,the Steele dossier 1,last night's Rachel Maddow Show 1,sexist video games 1,Donald Trump's speeches 1,QAnon message boards
 * Cluesource

1,AIDS was created in a lab by [Illuminati] 1,the moon landing was[not?] faked 1,Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone when he assassinated Kennedy 1,Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone when he "assassinated" Kennedy 1,water fluoridation has delerious effects, but the government keeps promoting it 1,"Spongebob Squarepants" remains bafflingly popular 1,the 9/11 attacks were[not?] set up by the government 1,vaccination causes autism 1,there are no less than three "Necronomicons" currently being published 1,mobile phones cause impotency 1,Evolution continues to[not?] be taught in our schools 1,Elvis is[not?] still alive 1,Elvis is[not?] dead 1,Hitler is[not?] still alive 1,the Templars have something to do with everything 1,we are living in a virtual reality created by [Aliens] 1,Richard Nixon was[not?] framed 1,Osama bin Laden remains at large 1,researchers have invented a fuel that is much more clean, cheap and efficient than oil 1,Barack Obama in reality is one of the [Aliens] 1,Kennedy's murder is staged, and he is still alive somewhere 1,remnants of a 5000-year-old airplane has been found buried in ancient Babylonian ruins 1,Mayan pyramids have been spotted on the moon 1,sex education causes mass teenage suicides 1,global warming is a hoax 1,Donald Trump colluded with the Russians to hack the 2016 election 1,the holocaust never happened 1,Noah's Ark has been found on the Ararat mountain 1,women and minorities are systematically oppressed by the white men in power 1,5G will kill us all 1,[Normalgroup] secretly authored [Cluesource] 1,[Normalgroup] are controlled by [Illuminati] 1,[Illuminati] set up [Normalgroup] in secret 1,[Bogusevidence] and [Bogusevidence] 1,most people naively believe "[Bogusevidence]", when it should be clear to any sane individual that [Bogusevidence]
 * Bogusevidence

1,therefore we must conclude that 1,so it is obvious that 1,therefore 1,which makes it plain that 1,and this can only mean that 1,which leads us to conclude that 1,which can only mean that 1,which in turn means 1,which I think you'll agree indicates 1,and that could only be true if 1,which only reinforces the fact that
 * Therefore

1,Two mysterious guys, using the pseudonyms "[American Census Names.male] [American Census Names.surname]" and "[American Census Names.male] [American Census Names.surname]" 1,The Bavarian Illuminati 1,The Bilderbergers 1,The Elders of Zion 1,The Freemasons 1,The Templars 1,The Discordian Society 1,[Aliens] 1,The Gnomes of Zurich 1,The Rosicrucians 1,The Hypnocracy 1,The Majestic-12 1,The Milkman 1,The Jesuits 1,A Communist Gangster Frankenstein Computer-God 1,International Bankers 4,[Normalgroup] 3,The [Secret Society Name.main] 1,The Canadians 1,George Soros 1,The Koch Brothers 1,The Rothschilds
 * Illuminati

1,Greys from Zeta Reticuli 1,Reptoids from the 5th dimension 1,The mythical "Annunaki" 1,Benevolent Space Brothers 1,Unspeakable Things From Beyond 1,The Intergalactic Alliance 1,Nine-Eyed Qdzutll 1,Betelgeusian Pseudo-Androids 1,The Blues from Metazoid Alpha 1,The Greens from Omega Phi 1,The Yellows from Alphazoid Saurus 1,Reptilians 1,Crab People 1,Eldritch Lovecraftian Gods
 * Aliens

1,mysterious backers, 1,brainwashed lackies, 1,dupes, 1,pawns, 1,unwitting minions, 1,silent partners in 1,uneasy alliance with 1,strategic merger with 1,business partnership with 1,hidden links with
 * Relationship

1,the American Medical Association 1,the C.I.A. 1,the Homeopaths 1,the financial industry 1,the Catholic Church 1,Greenpeace 1,Skulls and Bones 1,the Bush administration 1,Wal-Mart 1,the Post Office 1,labor unions 1,Microsoft 1,Apple Computers 1,Google 1,Facebook 1,the Ecumenical Church 1,the Church of Satan 1,wiccans 1,rock musicians 1,the Russian maffia 1,Science 1,the Rotary 1,bikers 1,feminists 1,the homeless people of the world 1,the Church of Scientology 1,the Church of the SubGenius 1,ACORN 1,Halliburton 1,McDonald's 1,the Republican Party 1,the Democratic Party 1,Freemasons 1,the Green Party 1,Libertarians 1,Communists 1,homosexuals 1,the zionists 1,organized crime 1,New Agers 1,the phone company 1,spammers 1,4Chan 1,Some guy in Fresno named "Steve" 1,the oil industry 1,the United Nations 1,Girl Scouts 1,Boy Scouts 1,the Military-Industrial Complex 1,Al-Qaeda 1,the Mossad 1,the Russian government 1,internet trolls 1,Donald Trump 1,the Clinton Foundation 1,Fox News 1,the mass media 1,ISIS 1,Russian hackers 1,Wikileaks 1,the KKK 1,the European Union 1,the Muslim Brotherhood 1,populist politicians 1,Hollywood 1,climate scientists 1,Planned Parenthood 1,the Atlantic Council 1,the Deep State 2,[Normalgroup] and [Normalgroup] 1,[Illuminati] 1,[Dossier.PrivateMilitary]
 * Normalgroup

1,plan to 1,cunningly plot to 1,are scheming to 1,try to 1,have hatched a devilish plot to 1,have already managed to 1,will 1,are secretly funding [Normalgroup] to
 * Schemeverb

1,corner the world rice market to 1,fluoridate the water supply to 1,use high-definition television to 1,beat up people at random to 1,ban broccoli consumption to 1,blow up the sun to 1,exterminate all other races to 1,fake another 9/11 disaster in order to 1,spread fear and panic as part of their plan to 1,inflame religious sentiment, which will 1,fake the moon landing, as part of their plan to 1,decimate the human population, to 1,infect specific minorities with AIDS in order to 1,melt the polar ice caps, which will allow them to 1,drive the economy into the ground, so as to 1,trigger a nuclear holocaust to 1,kill their own grandparents to 1,turn the planet Jupiter into a second sun, to 1,implant microchips in our teeth to 1,reverse-engineer UFO technology to 1,be kind and generous to everyone to 1,nuke New York to 1,poison our water supplies to 1,indoctrinate our children with communist ideologies to 1,mass breed genetically engineered superhumans to 1,boil away the oceans to 1,engage in ritual cannibalism to 1,force women to have abortions to 1,cover the sky with chemtrails in order to 1,fake evidence for climate change to 1,introduce gun control to 1,stage a school shooting to 1,cause a worldwide Ebola pandemic to 1,replace our population with migrants to
 * Schememethod

1,make fat stacks of cash 1,achieve total world domination 1,cover up the existence of Bigfoot 1,cover up the fact that they [Schemeverb] [Schememethod] [Schemegoal] 1,create a New World Order 1,destroy their hated enemies, [Normalgroup] 1,destroy their hated enemies, [Illuminati] 1,re-elect the President 1,ascend to godhood 1,become one with nature 1,immenantize the Eschaton 1,bitch-slap Dan Brown 1,sell the planet to [Aliens] 1,cause the downfall of civilization 1,decimate the human population 1,bring back legalized slavery 1,fund their expensive vacations 1,melt the polar ice caps 1,get even with that kid in third grade 1,destroy Freedom forever 1,prove a point to [Illuminati] 1,resurrect Adolf Hitler 1,start World War 3 1,bring about the reign of the Antichrist 1,bring about the return of their master, C'thulhu 1,see what happens then 1,cover up the evidence for a Recent Creation 1,cover up the existence of [Aliens] 1,introduce Sharia laws worldwide 1,win the love of the disembodied astral pegasus 1,set us back to the stone age 1,blow up the Earth and colonize Mars 1,finally get some attention from someone 1,save the whales 1,claim the world for Satan 1,unleash the armies of Satan 1,steal the American election for [Normalgroup] 1,take away our guns 1,cover up their vast pedophilia network 1,keep women oppressed in society 1,sell our organs to [Illuminati] 1,implement socialism 1,turn the frogs gay
 * Schemegoal

1,! 1,. 1,. All we can do is [Cope] 1,! All we can do is [Cope] 1,. Our only hope is to [Cope] 1,! Our only hope is to [Cope] 1,. I say we [Cope] 1,! I say we [Cope] 1,. Can You Believe That? 1,. COPYING and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
 * Ending

1,put our head between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. 1,pray fervently to die before this comes to pass. 1,get a rifle and start shooting at random. 1,adopt a strict vegetarian diet. 1,hope [Illuminati] will save us! 1,commit mass suicide. 1,go on strike until the economy collapses. 1,lynch the villains responsible! 1,hide under the bed and hope it goes away. 1,invest heavily in canned food and shotguns. 1,flee to the hills! 1,party madly as human civilization collapses into a new Dark Age. 1,share our anger in badly edited newsletters. 1,shrug and go back to watching television. 1,teach the children well and hide them in the cellar. 1,tell the truth to everyone! 1,have sex one last time before it is too late. 1,contemplate our navels. 1,whine about it on the Internet. 1,pray you don't get sniped. 1,buy gold! 1,invest in Bitcoin NOW!
 * Cope

3, 1, not
 * not?