Medical Hospital Jargon

'''I’ve got a lot of work to do before it is ready for prime time. Please don’t mess with the properties of specific instruments like forceps, but other contributions are welcome. Thanks! --JM (July, 2008)'''

 [main] 

1,[exclamation]! [machine] telemetry is [problem], doctor! 1,Always use a steady hand with - one slip and your patient could easily [disaster]. 1,Doctor, the patient is [distress] - you’ve got to [do_this]! 1,Doctor, the patient’s [group_monitored] is [problem]! 1,Hand me the [weird_instrum] and let me take over! My technique is more [positive] and I can [do_this]! 1,I need not [what_i_dont_need]! 1,I think [gender] [monitored] is [problem], doctor! [exclamation]! 1,Learn to read chart! This patient is [problem]! 1,Position above my [weird_instrum] and hold it steady. 1,There’s no [weird_instrum] on the tray, Doctor! [whoops]! 1,Without some [positive] work with this patient will [disaster]! 1,You are [positive], Doctor, but how can you save [gender] life without
 * main

1,close the incision now 1,focus 1,get some help in here 1,pay attention 1,pray you get this right 1,speed this up 1,stabilize 1,stop making mistakes 1,work faster 1,work harder
 * do_this

1,amazing 1,clever 1,delicate 1,expert 1,precise 1,quick 1,steady
 * positive

9,[forceps] 9,[hemostat] 1,caliper 1,clamp 1,cryotome 1,cutting bit 1,cutting guide 1,dermatome 1,dilator 1,endoscope 1,irrigator 1,lancet 1,laser guide 1,needle holder 1,occluder 1,positioner 1,probe 1,rasp 1,retractor 1,scalpel 1,speculum 1,spreader 1,suction tip 1,suction tube 1,trocar 1,tweezer 1,ultrasonic tissue disruptor
 * instrument

1,a bowl of donuts 1,a know-it-all jogging my elbow 1,a load of jibber-jabber 1,a lot of back-talk 1,a mexican wrestler in scrubs 1,an incompetent nurse who has never played golf 1,some college boy to steal my mojo 1,some Johnny-come-lately 1,some wet-behind-the-ears intern to tell me what to do 1,some woman to sneer at me 1,you 1,your greasy hands all over my patient
 * what_i_dont_need

9,his 9,her 1,its
 * gender

1,I can’t find it anywhere 1,It’s sabotage 1,There was only one left in the cabinet and I asked the tech for it 1,Without it, you can’t proceed 1,You must have left it in there when you closed 1,You’ll have to make do with a [weird_instrum] this time 1,You’ll have to press on without it
 * whoops

1,Arterial line cannula 1,Blood gas monitor 1,Capnograph 1,EEG 1,EKG 1,Heart-lung machine 1,Intracranial pressure monitor 1,Pulse oximeter 1,Respirometer 1,Sphygmomanometer 1,Spirometric monitor 1,Thermocouple probe 1,Ventilator
 * machine

2,blood pressure 2,body temperature 2,brain activity 2,intracranial pressure 2,pulmonary function 2,pulse oximetry 2,respiratory rate 1,arterial blood gas array 1,arterial blood gas reading 1,blood gas 1,BP 1,CO2 1,end tidal co2 1,end-tidal CO2 reading 1,heart rate 1,ICP 1,pH 1,pulse 1,pulse and heart rate 1,RR 1,temp
 * monitored

1,all vital signs 1,blood gas concentration 1,brain activity and ICP 1,capnograph readings 1,EKG readings 1,oximetry and end-tidal CO2 1,pulse oximetry reading 1,spirometric monitor output 1,thermocouple probe output 1,ventilator output
 * group_monitored

0,[prob]! 1,[prob]
 * problem

6,down by [Dice.1d8]0% 6,up by [Dice.1d6+1]00% 2,all over the map 2,crashing 2,dropping 2,spiking 1,all over the place 1,borked 1,climbing 1,crazy 1,elevated 1,falling 1,falling rapidly 1,flat-lined 1,flatlining 1,highly irregular 1,irregular 1,lowered 1,off the charts 1,out of acceptable range 1,outside of normal parameters 1,peaking 1,plummeting 1,rising 1,rising fast 1,soaring 1,taking a nosedive 1,unstable 1,weak
 * prob

5,die 2,have [gender] [monitored] [problem] 1,flatline 1,go hypoxic 1,go into shock 1,go into v-fib
 * disaster

1,becoming cyanotic 1,becoming septic 1,bleeding out 1,coming out of anaesthesia 1,entering hypovolemic shock 1,going into acute liver failure 1,going into acute renal failure 1,going into anaphylactic shock 1,going into cardiogenic shock 1,going into tachycardia 1,hemorrhaging 1,losing blood volume 1,pooling fluid 1,seizing
 * distress

1,We’ve got to do something 1,Work faster 1,Wrap this up 1,Vitals are dropping 1,For God’s sake, speed it up 1,Try harder 1,You’ve got to stabilize it 1,We’re losing the patient 1,Damn it, I’m a doctor, not
 * exclamation

1,bricklayer 1,coal miner 1,engineer 1,escalator 1,mechanic 1,moon-shuttle conductor 1,officer of the line
 * occupation

1,Brodie director 1,Castroviejo marker 1,Cottle chisel 1,Coxeter apparatus 1,Diemda finger 1,Dieter Malleus nipper 1,Dobhoff tube 1,Doyen child elevator 1,Doyen myoma screw 1,Doyen probe 1,Finochietto bronchus forceps 1,Graefe fixation forceps 1,Graham nerve retractor 1,Haganbarh clip 1,Hager uterine dilator 1,Halsted mosquito 1,Hartman crocodile spoon jaw 1,Ives-Fansler proctoscope 1,Kogan speculum retractor 1,Lambotte-mini bone chisel 1,Lester fixation forceps 1,Lichtwitz tube 1,Mayo-Robson intestinal forceps 1,McDonald dissector 1,Middleton-Jason septum crushing forceps 1,Museux vulsellum forceps 1,pliers 1,Politzer ear knife 1,Poole suction tube 1,Pratt cystic hook 1,Price-Thomas bronchus forceps 1,Quinby scissors 1,Quisling hammer 1,Rose tube 1,Roser-Koenig mouth gag 1,rubber ligotomy band 1,scaler 1,St. Barts wax hook 1,St. Martin ligature forceps 1,Struempel foreign-body lever 1,Tischler punch 1,tough-cut scissors 1,Tyndal device 1,Uckermann spatula 1,universal bending pliers 1,Van Buren dilator 1,vascular scissors 1,Virchow bone chisel 1,Volkman spoon 1,Wachenfeldt clip applying forceps 1,Wadsworth-Todd cauter 1,Wagner laminectomy rongeur 1,Ward crank-bend scissors 1,Wheeler foreign body instrument 1,white root elevator 1,Wilde ear snare 1,Wilde forceps aural 1,wilder dilator 1,wilder wire loop 1,Williger root elevator 1,winter root elevator 1,Zange-Flach pliers 1,Zanogarian splint
 * weird_instrum

1,[forcepsnum] [forcepsbrand] [forcepscurvature] [forcepstype] forceps 1,[forcepsbrand] forceps
 * forceps

1,Adson 1,Babcock 1,Gemini 1,Rampley 1,Rat-tooth
 * forcepsbrand

1,#10 1,#12 1,#28
 * forcepsnum

1,curved 1,straight
 * forcepscurvature

1,tissue 1,sponge 1,thumb
 * forcepstype

1,[hemonumber] [hemocurve] [hemobrand] hemostat 1,[hemonumber] hemostat 1,[hemobrand] hemostat
 * hemostat

1,Kelly 1,Carmalt 1,Mosquito
 * hemobrand

1,straight 1,curved
 * hemocurve

1,#8 1,#10 1,#18
 * hemonumber