Chuck Norris Facts

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0,the man himself! 1,Chuck Norris
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1,roundhouse kick
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1,A [c]-delivered [r] is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. 1,A “handicap parking” sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to [c] and if you park there, you will be handicapped. 1,Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered [c]” 1,[c] always knows the exact location of Carmen Sandiego. 1,[c] and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome could not be contained in one building. 1,[c] beats rock, paper and scissors. 1,[c] brings the noise and the funk. 1,[c] can believe it’s not butter. 1,[c] can divide by zero. 1,[c] can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds. 1,[c] can slam a revolving door. 1,[c] can touch MC Hammer. 1,[c] can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. 1,[c] discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which [c] is even more awesome than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, [c] roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. 1,[c] does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. [c] goes killing. 1,[c] does not need oxygen to survive: oxygen needs [c] to survive. 1,[c] does not sleep. He waits. 1,[c] does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. 1,[c] doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. 1,[c] doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. 1,[c] doesn’t churn butter. He [r]s the cows and the butter comes straight out. 1,[c] doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. [c] throws down! 1,[c] doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut [c] is [c]. 1,[c] doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 1,[c] drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. 1,[c] grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. 1,[c] has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. 1,[c] has counted to infinity. Twice. 1,[c] has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. 1,[c] has two speeds: Walk and Kill. 1,[c] invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 1,[c] invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill. 1,[c] invented the term “MILF” right before he did your mom. 1,[c] is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian. 1,[c] is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 1,[c] is not hung like a horse ... horses are hung like [c] 1,[c] is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. 1,[c] is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. 1,[c] is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 1,[c] isn’t a doctor, but he can put you in a hospital. 1,[c] isn’t afraid of heights. Heights are afraid of [c]. 1,[c] knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, but if he told you, he’d have to kill you. 1,[c] looks better in a terry-cloth one piece than Sean Connery does. 1,[c] once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. 1,[c] once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 1,[c] once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked [c] re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. 1,[c] once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. [c] won by 5. 1,[c] once [r]ed someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 1,[c] once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” 1,[c] once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. 1,[c] ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 1,[c] originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a [r]. When asked about this “glitch,” Norris replied, “what glitch?” 1,[c] sheds his skin twice a year. 1,[c] sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 1,[c] was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick-related injuries. 1,[c] will attain statehood in 2024. His state flower will be the magnolia. 1,[c]’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. 1,[c]’s beard has its own beard. 1,[c]’s urine was the main ingredient for balco’s designer steroids. Therefore, [c] is actually the all-time single-season home run king. 1,[c]’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. 1,Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. 1,Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough [c] to go around. 1,Crop circles are [c]’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down. 1,For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For [c], each testicle is larger than the other one. 1,Guns don’t kill people, [c] kills people. 1,How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could [c]? ...All of it. 1,If tapped, a [c] [r] could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. 1,If you are ever stuck between [c] and a hard place, kiss your butt good-bye. 1,If you ask [c] what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’till.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he [r]s you in the face. 1,If you can see [c], he can see you. If you can’t see [c], you may be only seconds away from death. 1,If you Google search “[c] getting his butt kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen. 1,If you say [c]’ name in Mongolia, the people there will [r] you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the real roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself. 1,In an average living room there are 1,242 objects [c] could use to kill you, including the room itself. 1,In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by [c], and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. 1,In honor of [c], all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”. 1,In space, [c] can hear you scream. 1,In the beginning there was nothing...then [c] [r]ed that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe. 1,James Cameron wanted [c] to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. 1,Little known medical fact: [c] invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb. 1,Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. [c] jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. 1,Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a [c] [r]. 1,Nobody does it like Sara Lee. Except [c]. 1,On his birthday, [c] randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 1,Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a [r] to the face. 1,Rather than being birthed like a normal child, [c] instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. 1,Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK ([c] [r]) 1,Someone once tried to tell [c] that [r]s aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 1,Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: [c] once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. 1,The ancient Maya predicted that in 2012 [c] will destroy the world, they came to this conclusion just moments before [c] destroyed their entire civilization. 1,The [c] military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single [c] could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. 1,The grass is always greener on the other side, unless [c] has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. 1,The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep [c] out. It failed miserably. 1,The lost continent of Atlantis isn’t really lost, [c] just won’t let anyone go there. 1,The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball [c] played in second grade. 1,The original state slogan of Massachusetts was “Live free or make [c] angry and die instantly.” 1,The quickest way to a man’s heart is with [c]’ fist. 1,The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with [c]. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned. 1,There are no races, only countries of people [c] has beaten to different shades of black and blue. 1,There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just [c]. 1,There is no chin behind [c]’ beard. There is only another fist. 1,There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures [c] allows to live. 1,Those missing kids you see on the back of milk cartons? They stepped on [c]’s lawn. 1,Time waits for no man. Unless that man is [c]. 1,Video killed the radio star: specifically, video of [c] [r]ing the radio star. 1,When an episode of “Walker: Texas Ranger” was aired in France, the French surrendered to [c] just to be on the safe side. 1,When [c] calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. 1,When [c] does push-ups, he isn’t pushing himself up: he’s pushing the Earth down. 1,When [c] falls in water, [c] doesn’t get wet. Water gets [c]. 1,When [c] goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 1,When [c] has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. 1,When [c] is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them 1,When [c] sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. [c] has not had to pay taxes ever. 1,When [c] wants to open a bottle of champagne, he just glares at it until the cork pops. 1,When J. Robert Oppenheimer, the chief architect of the Manhattan Project said “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds”, he was actually referring to [c]. 1,When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When [c] kills a ninja, he uses every part. 1,When taking the SAT, write “[c]” for every answer. You will score a 1600. 1,When you’re [c], anything ÷ anything is equal to 1. One [r] to the face. 1,While urinating, [c] is easily capable of welding titanium. 1,Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like; [c] never met a man he couldn’t kill. 1,Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. [c] calls this “a slow Tuesday.” 1,You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then [c] will find you and kill you. 2,The chief export of [c] is pain.
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