Jack Bauer Facts

1,Jack Bauer
 * j

1,[m].
 * main

2,G.I. Joe has [j] action figures 2,If [j] had been a Spartan the movie would have been called “1” 2,When [j] ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload 2,When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face [j], he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death 1,… and on the seventh day [j] said, “I’ll take it from here.” 1,“[j]” is Arabic for “I’m fucked” 1,[j] arrested RoboCop. Think about that 1,[j] can kill 7 terrorists with 6 bullets 1,[j] doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you, it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away 1,[j] is currently involved in a complex lawsuit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban him as an “Assault Weapon”. Jack insists he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is safe to have around families 1,[j] never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction 1,[j] once won a game of Monopoly by torturing the other game pieces until they went into jail 1,[j] played Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded gun and won 1,[j] signs his autograph with bullets. So don’t ask him to sign any part of your body 1,[j] sleeps with a pillow under his gun 1,[j] was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland 1,As a child, [j] taught his dog to play dead … once 1,At last year’s Christmas party, [j] brought the punch. Nobody survived 1,Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. [j] would meanwhile do something important 1,During the commercials, [j] calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes 1,If [j] was president, he would protect the secret service 1,If everyone on “24” followed [j]’s instructions, it would be called “12” 1,In 96 hours, [j] has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life? 1,Jack doubts Murphy’s Law, believes only in Bauer’s Law: “Whatever can go wrong, will be resolved in a 24-hour period.” 1,Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop [j] 1,Little-known fact: when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, the fine print at the bottom of the cover says, “*besides [j].” 1,Michael Jackson once told [j] to “Beat It,” and [j] beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson’s downward spiral 1,Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. [j] needs only a shower, a shave and a change of clothes 1,Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. [j] needs 100 feet and a gun 1,Once, someone tried to tell [j] a “knock knock” joke. [j] found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was 1,Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read [j]’s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheelchair 1,Some people see the glass as half-full. Others see it as half-empty. [j] sees the glass as a deadly weapon 1,Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him; if he is stronger, join him; if he is [j] … you’re f***ing dead.” 1,Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. [j] laughs at Superman for having a weakness 1,The 2007 budget for the US Military covers [j], two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition 1,The Berlin Wall fell because [j] needed to get to the other side 1,The city of Los Angeles once named a street after [j] in gratitude for his saving the city several times. But they had to rename it after pedestrians kept dying whenever they tried to cross the street – no one crosses [j] and lives 1,There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met [j] 1,The three leading causes of death among terrorists are: [j]; [j]; and heart attack (from hearing [j] is coming for them) 1,Two hands can beat a royal flush: [j]’s right hand, and his left 1,Upon hearing that Kiefer Sutherland played him, [j] killed Sutherland. [j] gets played by no man 1,When [j] eats out, his favorite meal is Chinese. Not the food, the people 1,When [j] goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun 1,When [j] jumps from an airplane, he doesn’t fall to the ground. The earth rises to meet him 1,When [j] was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables 1,When bad things happen to good people, it’s probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably [j] 1,When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, [j] found it and put it back 1,When Santa Claus asked [j] what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates [j] and gets away with it 1,When you go to hell, it’s just a room with you and Jack 1,Withholding information from [j] is now classified as a suicide attempt
 * m